If Supernanny Jo Frost is out there and willing to give advice without having to display my families downfalls, and misguided parenting on national TV for the world to see, then please CALL ME.
I have two beautiful boys that are my life, they mean everything to me. After my first son Sam was born and was so easy going, good natured, well behaved, my husband and I thought, this parenting thing is a piece of cake, let's have another. So we did, we had our handsome, strong willed, expressive, loving, funny Jack. God love him. After about a year, we discovered much to our dismay, that we really had no idea what the heck we were doing in the parenting arena. Sam just happened to be "easy" and it had nothing to do with us or our wonderful parenting skills, darn it. That whole nature vs. nurture argument, I tend to lean towards the nature side. Don't get me wrong, I think parents are an essential part in molding, and teaching good behavior, morals and values and have a very significant impact on how their children will be as adults. But I also believe each child is different and comes with their own characteristics, personality traits and ways that are uniquely theirs. How else can two people have two children of the same sex, that are completely different? And would we even want them not to be different? The world we be a very boring place if everyone was the same. I love my children for their differences, they are both unique individuals who have wonderful traits and qualities about them.
Before I go on, I want to say what a loving, smart, talkative, charismatic little guy my Jack is. He is one of the funniest kids you could ever meet. He says and does the darnedest things. His latest, he's adopted some new phrases he likes to use. Not for any real reason, he just says them out of the blue. It's quite funny to be driving along and hear a little boy in the back saying out loud, but to no one in particular, "for crying out loud," (hmm wonder where he's heard that), or "SNUG as a BUG in a RUG," (emphasizing the caps). Also he does this rolling the eyes thing, that if he were a teenager you'd want to smack him, but from a two year old it's quite funny to say something he thinks is silly or has no meaning and have him roll his eyes to the side and grin. When he's asked a question, he looks up to the ceiling, puts his index finger on his cheek as if pondering life's most important questions and says, "ummmm, I can't remember." It's too darn funny, he's a hoot. I really couldn't ask for more. I have two healthy boys, that's the most important thing, bottom line. But at the same time, I need serious help with my precious little Jack. I want him to do well in school, have friends, and grow up to be a thriving, essential, good human being. I'll never forget the first time he had a temper tantrum. It was at home (thank god) on our kitchen floor and he was about 15 months old. Never having witnessed one myself because my older son had never had a tantrum before, you can imagine my shock and horror. My baby had morphed from cute little toddler, to Linda Blair from The Exorcist, minus the projectile green vomit and 180 degree head rotation, right before my very eyes. He was on the floor, like a limp noodle, kicking and screaming. What the hell is that, I thought to myself. Since then there have been many, many more just the same. I may sound light hearted and humorous about it and to some degree I am (sometimes humor is what gets you thru it) but now I'm at my wits end and don't know what to do. Minus corporal punishment, we've tried all the conventional techniques of disciplining. Positive reinforcement, ignoring bad behavior, taking toys/privileges away, and time out. At first I thought time out was the solution. In fact, Jack seems to like the 2 minutes of down time sometimes in the time out corner. He will seem so remorseful and say with the cutest, sincerest voice, " I'm sooooo sorry mom." Ahhh, I just want to melt. Cut to five minutes later, and he's doing the exact same thing that sent him to time out in the first place. It doesn't seem to sink in. I realize this is probably more my problem than his, something I'm doing is negating, encouraging, or allowing this to happen, that's why I'm asking for help. I've even been known to ward off near tantrums in other peoples kids easily using different techniques. Distraction, silly faces, silly talk, songs, even finding some hidden treasure in the crumb filled corners of my purse. These same things, just aren't as effective on my own child. I don't want my little Jack to be "the bad kid." Partly because I think children can start to live up to your expectations of them, even if, or especially if, they are negative. And partly because I don't think he's a bad kid, maybe I'm just a bad parent in that I don't know how to handle him or handle his behavior, maybe I'm doing it all wrong or even worse, causing it. Does that make sense? I feel guilty even talking about this. Recently a friend asked me, after seeing Jack's behavior in full swing, if I'd talked to my pediatrician about him, that maybe there was something wrong with him. I wasn't upset about that comment, but it did get me to thinking. I can't say it's never crossed my mind, maybe thinking he's possibly got a little ADHD. But after much pondering, I don't think that's it. He's smart, he can focus when he wants to, he's just a very spirited, high strung kid. As long as he's moving, playing, doing something fun, he's fine. The minute he needs to sit still for some time, be quieter, be composed (you know all the behaviors necessary to be a functioning part of society) or he doesn't get his way, all hell breaks lose. Maybe I'm being silly, all I have to compare him to is his older brother, who in all fairness is probably the more abnormal one. How many 6 year olds do you know who have never had a temper tantrum? But I see other kids Jack's age and see that they can sit at the dinner table, aren't screaming and crying, and who's parents seem relaxed. Not me, in fact, sometimes I feel on the verge of a panic attack when he displays these behaviors in public. Maybe I need some Xanax. Yeah, right, I can see it now. I'd be zoned out in la la land at a booth in Applebee's, while onlookers stared and glared at me for not noticing my son throwing his play dough at the innocent diners behind us. I'd be relaxed alright, but I also might get jumped in the parking lot for being such a stupid, oblivious mother and ruining some nice couples night out. But hey, if they wanted a quiet dinner for two, they shouldn't be eating at a family oriented, family friendly place like Applebee's anyway. Right? I know when my husband and I have a night out without the kids, we like to avoid just those very places. Give me a quiet, candle lit, Italian restaurant, that's unlikely to have children's menus, crayons, or dough to play with, Please. Anyways, I digress.
So without further ado, I'm asking for any and all advice. I don't need criticism, judgement or negativity, I just need advice and ideas. Tell me what you do that works. Tell me what you've tried, tell me what you've read, tell me what you've heard works for others. I love my precious Jack and want others to love him too and see him for his wonderful spirit and personality, not as a "bad kid." Til' next time, carry on.
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2 comments:
He sounds like my little Megan. She's a...forceful personality. She's like her father in that she feels things deeply, whether good or bad. Something can be terribly funny (sometimes she laughs so hard we worry she will injure herself) or heaven forbid I put a T-shirt over her head, she sounds as though I'm trying to murder her. Imagine me, insisting to my one year old that she "control her temper!" (It's wildly effective). Seriously though, you need to cut yourself and your kid a break. He's not bad! He's an emotional little guy, who needs a little help with impulse control. My husband was exactly the same way when he was little, so I know where my daughter gets it from. He's a fully functioning happy adult, if that helps. I'm much less emotional than the two of them, I default to "logic." But I've noticed that sometimes it's my behavior that needs modifying. When she really flips out, we do do(we do-do? You know what I mean) the timeout thing, for its most basic reason--she's got to calm down. But I've got to calm down too. Sometimes I want her to stop having a fit and I get all anxious about it, but the physical reaction she has is so strong she just CAN'T calm down as quickly as I'd like. This may sound silly to have such a discussion with a 2 yr old, but deep breathing, asking him to count to 10 (or you doing it, if he doesn't know the #s, or 5if ten is too long). When Megan gets bigger, she and my husband are going to take a martial arts class together--I like the idea of the physical activity combined with the emotional "centering" and focus. Maybe Jack would like that. A favorite expression in our house: "Enhance your calm, John Spartan." Anyway, I feel your pain.
My son Alex was the same way when he was little. He struggled in school, but did great when he was busy playing or doing something he likes. He has a hard time with change or disrupting his routine. My husband and I dealt with him in many different ways while he was growing up, but what worked best for us is: walking away when he threw a tantrum. When he knew we were not paying attention to him he slowly stopped sooner and sooner with them. We also count to ten if the situation gets bad, I think we need a break as bad as they do. I know you feel bad as a parent, I have spent may a nights thinking the same think. I have come to realize that we as parents are at least trying and we now have more good days then the bad ones. Good luck!
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